The Problem Is...

 Well, there are a lot of problems when you're dealing with C-PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression...

But to start, a reflection back to my last post about abandonment and self isolation...

The problem with when you feel like everyone is going to abandon you or has abandoned you, and then you end up isolating because you feel like your a burden -- is that you still feel like people have abandoned you even when you're causing it yourself.

I know. It doesn't even make sense when you try to write it out and explain it.

Fear of abandonment and lack of self worth almost means that you go ahead and just help people abandon you. And then you're sad that you're lonely. But then you're worried about trying to connect because you feel like you are too much or will say the wrong thing. 

And I am aware that I am doing it -- but I can't find love for myself enough to stop. And even beyond that -- I'm really scared of being hurt or not accepted. 

If I share too much, will it scare people away? Will people think I am the victim? Will they roll their eyes? Will they tell me I am dramatic? What if I don't focus enough on trying to help THEM? What if I don't listen enough? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I am too honest? What if I am not honest enough? What if I just go with something that is being said because I don't want to stir the pot? What if I stir the pot too much? What if people don't feel like I care about them if I talk about myself? Should I talk about myself at all? What do people think about me really? Are they just being nice?

There are probably a million more questions that go through my head but those are the biggest ones, at least when I actually try to focus in. 

It's really hard to trust anyone when you couldn't always trust the people that raised you.

And when you don't let yourself trust people, you miss out on the potential for connection.

So even people I have known for years, I don't feel like I can necessarily really truly talk to them or even try to connect with them anymore.

And it isn't their fault.

And it isn't my fault, really.

I am scared to do it, if I am perfectly honest. 

And it comes from a really deep place of pain and some really deep scars.

And I am so aware that it can sound kinda dumb.

And I am not at a place where I am over it and ready to test it out completely.

Someone in group therapy last week said that in a book she read one of the passages said something like -- there are already people out there that love you and you don't even know it yet.

And I think there are also people out there that probably love me too but I won't really let them.

Because I don't really love myself always or give myself enough grace sometimes. I just nitpick and get angry at myself for not being perfect and handling everything perfectly always.

Healing process to be continued....