Today's Topic is emotional regulation.
I was raised in a house where this wasn't a thing. Grown ups were allowed to have big emotions, and not acknowledge them as such, and I was to remain quiet and compliant with whatever they were feeling and not be reactionary.
OR
If someone was acting out a big emotion -- i.e. my dad screaming and punching walls and calling me or whoever else names -- I was to not let this bother me and pretend as though I was unaffected and not allowed to react, partly out of fear and partly out of wanting to not make things worse.
I'm sure there are other instances of this throughout my past but these are the biggest ones that seem to still resonate with me.
So what does this teach a person?
Well, to be simply terrified by the concept of anger.
Up until a few years ago, to be perfectly honest, I did not think that ever being angry was okay. Sure I would get angry -- but then immediately feel guilty and tell myself that I had no reason to be.
I had a therapist once tell me, you realize that everyone gets angry, right Jackie? She told me that just the other day prior to our conversation she was frustrated with situations in her own life and had ripped up a phone book and strewn it all over her kitchen. Felt better, picked it up, and continued on -- not worrying about what others thought and feeling a bit more in control of her emotions.
I remember being shocked. For a moment I thought to myself -- should this lady be my therapist, or even a therapist at all? What is HEALTHY about anger? I don't know if this is for me. (Spoiler alert -- I stayed on with her for like 5 years)
Nowadays -- I am very firm in my belief that anger is a secondary emotion -- a lot of my anger is tied to triggering moments and grief. And not having a healthy example of how to handle it in any of my most formative years.
So if my son tells me that I am a mean mom for some normal kid reaction to not being able to do what he wants when he wants do -- as is normal for children -- I think my brain flashbacks to what my experiences of mean are, feel horrible that my child could think that I am that kind of mean, and either get upset and yell because I'm feeling triggered -- or honestly...give in to whatever it was that I was denying because I can't equate myself with mean.
Or if someone hurts my feelings -- I'll apologize for whatever I think I must have done to deserve my feelings being hurt in whatever capacity -- and the next day I'll show up at your house with spaghetti and a gift and telling you how wonderful you are because I too scared of being abandoned by people even if they hurt me.
Kind of like when my dad would have completely explosive anger and then take us out to dinner like nothing had happened but still trying to keep the peace. Or he'd be abusive towards my mom the day before his birthday and I'd still be encouraged to make a cake and get a present and sing happy birthday.
The lesson -- people can treat you however they want to and have whatever feelings they want to have around you and about you -- and you still show up and take care of them and praise them and act like all is well -- even if on the inside -- you're an incredibly scared mess.
Any time I had a moment of happiness -- my mom and dad would make sure to lay on the guilt. She was miserable and had sacrificed her entire being for my father. He was so unstable it was impossible for him to really feel happy for long. It turned into bitter jealousy for any friend I had or boy I liked or trip I decided to take or anything kind of good that happened.
Don't feel happy.
When I got sad, and man did I eventually get extremely, horribly, scary sad, I wasn't allowed to feel that way either. What did I have to be sad about? Didn't I realize that people had it far worse than I did?
Yes. True. People had it worse. I didn't have it that bad maybe.
Don't feel sad.
If I felt angry -- and if I got angry towards my dad for him manipulating and gaslighting and hurting my mom -- he would hurt my mom more.
Don't feel angry.
So then wait...what feeling am I allowed to have?
All of them -- at the wrong time or the wrong time or too much or too little.
Always concerned about what other people are thinking when I emote. At ALL.
Am I saying that there were never good moments or times that my parents were proud of me? I think they wanted to be. I think they wanted to be better. I think they wanted to be happy for me and proud of me. But I think they were too wrapped up in their own sadness for some reasons that I know and some that I will never know to really be there for me in the way that I needed.
And this is when people will say to me -- oh but one time your dad told me this and oh but your mom always said this.
That's great.
I was also taught not to talk about what happened in my house and act like everything was fine.
I learned how to hide everything from the best of them for literally years.
I know they wanted to. But the more I have been remembering, the more I realize they didn't and couldn't. And it is devastating.
My therapy and especially EMDR has helped me start to regulate my emotions and realize that things are okay to feel. And not only are they okay -- they're normal.
What isn't normal is not feeling. What isn't normal is letting people hurt you and still trying to please them so they don't abandon you.
I know there have to be some people out there reading these things and rolling their eyes -- thinking -- seriously, you are 32 years old -- this stuff happened forever ago and you should be able to get your shit together by now and not be affected so much by it.
Maybe that's what some people think.
That's what my brain tells me some people think.
But honestly, this stuff was still going on until my mom died almost 6 years ago. And before that, it was total enmeshment and ingrained into my life and how I functioned.
And trauma changes the way your brain works. Scientifically true.
I'll get into the neuroscience of it all in another post.
Unfortunately, it's really hard work to break generational trauma.
These days I just cry for what feels like no reason until I examine what's coming up and where it is coming from. Try to give myself space to feel sad. Cry for what I needed in those moments. Basically tell that little girl or younger version of myself in whatever scenario it is that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't have been responsible to fix things. And breathe and continue processing in therapy weekly.
But I am so incredibly thankful that I am doing it so that my children won't bear the same deep scars my heart does.
Healing hurts significantly.
And it can be a lonely place sometimes. Especially because these relationships with my parents will never be healed with them. I can only heal myself.
But learning to give space to my emotions and allowing them, has really been freeing thus far. No more glossing over things. Just feeling raw emotions.
