Deep Fear of Trust

 I've decided to start going through the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how they present for me -- because I think it is important. Not only for me, but for others too. It isn't normal to feel these things, but there needs to be more open and transparent conversation about it because it is really lonely sometimes and can honestly make you feel like you  just might be crazy.

But you aren't crazy.

You're just hurting.

So the first one I am going to talk about is a deep fear of trust. 

When trauma is ongoing -- so growing up in an abusive household -- your brain gets rewired for distrust and fear -- so you are always kind of in survival mode. Fight or flight. Your brain actually adjusts to having high levels of cortisol (stress hormone) so you're always kind of on edge waiting for what is going to happen next. And when you can't trust significant people in your life -- i.e. caregivers -- who are to model behavior and relationships for you to mimic basically -- it makes it very difficult to trust anyone.

Hello Anxiety!

So for me -- my memories go way back -- probably as early as 4 and 5 -- to insecure situations.

My dad's moods were ALL OVER THE PLACE. One minute he would be playing and happy and fine and the next he was screaming and throwing things and just being volatile. 

But as soon as his outburst was over -- he'd take us out to dinner or the movies or to the park or whatever.

And you NEVER knew what was going to set him off or how escalated it would get. 

How can you trust any situation when no situation has ever been predictable? And how can you trust people that are also unpredictable? Especially when your little and they are supposed to be taking care of you, not scaring you.

And when I got older -- it was all about placating -- my mom called it "playing along" or "playing the game" -- you know he won't understand and he needs to be right so even when he is wrong, say he is right -- even if he hurts your feelings -- pretend that he doesn't.  You know you're right, smart, capable, not a bitch, not stupid, etc -- so just hold on to that.

So now -- 30 years later -- I still don't really trust people AND I feel like crap about myself because we internalize it. 

I don't trust people's intentions. I don't trust them when they are being nice. I don't trust how they feel about me. 

None of it. 

Which goes back to what I said previously on missing out on true connection with others. Even my husband. And sometimes my kids. Which is depressing. And I get so frustrated with myself.

But I literally can't help it. 

And I have to retrain myself to be able to trust without ever really knowing what it was in the first place.

And if the SMALLEST thing happens to break my trust that I attempt to build -- it is really hard for me to figure out what to do with that and to be perfectly honest it wrecks me emotionally.

It's really, really hard. And exhausting.

But if you look at the why -- it makes sense.