Dear Dad

 Dear Dad,

I wish that I wanted to wish you a Happy Father’s Day today. I wish that I had silly pictures of us having a good time together. I wish that I had the ability to think back on a good memory that would negate all of the bad ones. Except that every good memory I have turned into something not so great. And that is just the truth. I wish that I could say that my Dad was my hero and taught me all of the things I needed to know in my life and always lifted me up when I was down. I wish that I could say that I couldn’t wait to spend the day with you and grill and laugh and reminisce about all of our good times together. I wish that I could say that my kids are so lucky to have you as their Grandpa and that the relationship that you and my Mom had was one I would envy for the ages and hope that mine would be the same. I wish I could say how supportive you were of me and how I know that you were proud of me. I wish I could say that I missed you terribly and that my life has been worse since you haven’t been a part of it. 

I wish I could have sat down with you and had you realize that you really needed help and that you would have agreed to face your demons. I wish I could have told you how badly you hurt me and how deep those emotional scars run into the depths of my soul and that you would have cried and apologized and promised to do better and then done better. I wish you would have been kinder and more loving to my mother. I wish you would have cared about yourself enough to get the help that you so desperately needed in order to be what you, I’m guessing, didn’t have in your own family. I wish that you wouldn’t have been so mentally ill. I wish that you wouldn’t have been so damaged by whatever happened to you. I wish that you would have been able to love our family the way we needed and deserved to be loved. I wish you would have thought that you were worth it to do the work you needed to on you and be better.

I wish you could see how happy I am now. I wish you could see how much work I’ve done to heal my wounds that you created. I wish you could see how beautiful and amazing my kids are and how good of a mother I am to them. I wish you could see the healthy, loving, constantly growing relationship that I am in with the person that acts as my partner in my life. I wish you could be happy for me. I wish you had cared when you were here or could have learned to care. And I saw glimpses of who you could be, but your demons were bigger than those glimpses, and I wish you could have found healing. I wish you wouldn’t have been so mean and so callous and let the past have so much control over you. I wish you hadn’t found solace in drugs. I wish you would have been stronger than that.

I wish things had been different. I wish things were different. 

But I am happy that I am not living out my past in my present. I’m thankful that I am making sure history doesn’t repeat itself. I am grateful to be a safe space and support to my kids and they will always know how proud I am of them and how much I love them. I will always admit when I am wrong and own any hurt I cause and make it right and do better. 

Thank you for teaching me what not to do and who not to be and to make sure I do everything I can to not leave this world unhappy and alone because of my choices.

I'm not as angry anymore at you but I'm still disappointed and I'm still hurt. I know you had your reasons for being the way that you were, but they were never excuses to remain the same or become worse.

I miss who you never were and who I hoped you could end up being and who I needed.

I've found contentment instead of resentment though.

And I'm really grateful that I had some kind of resilience that you did not because I would have ended up the same.

And I'm so glad I didn't and won't have that be my destiny.

I deserve better than that.

My kids deserve better than that.

My husband deserves better than that.

And I'm so glad I know that.

I will be what I needed to myself now. And that's the best I can do. And I'm glad I have the capacity to be it and do it, even if it's hard sometimes.

Happy Being the Parent You Always Deserved to Heal Your Inner Child Day to me instead.